C stands for Cath and not Cancer

I'm tired... I feel like I say that all the time but really, I am tired. I love my life - being a Mommy, working, running to Tae Kwon Do and baseball games. GO CUBS!

I've been sick pretty much since I started taking the full dose of Avonex a little over a month ago but, not as bad as I was warned so, I feel lucky. I had a horrible case of strep throat and then as soon as I quit the meds I came down with it again. I went to the Dr. and the strep was positive they also sent me for an xray as they were concerened with pnuemonia. The xray came back showing I did have it so I started antibiotics for it as well. It was recommened for a follow up xray in 10 days so I went for that. That was on the same day as Evan's cardio appt. It was decided there that we would have a cath. as soon at baseball season is over and surgery to follow unless a miracle happens in the cath lab. So looking at cath. in mid June and surgery in July. Sigh... I hate it. But he is my amazing little boy and I am the luckiest person to get to be his Mommy. By the way - he rides his bike now with no help whatsoever without training wheels & has his hair cut really really short (nickname chick magnet at school). So... we go to the baseball game and I cry with my best heart mama friends about the plans for cath and surgery. The next morning I'm up getting lunches and everything ready for the day and my phone rings. It was my Dr. and they want me to come in right now if I'm able to do a CT Scan. If you know me at all you know that isn't good enough for me so I begin to ask questions. What did they see? They saw no change so it must not be pneumonia with all the antibiotics you've been on. What are they checking for? For what it is. What do they think it could be? Oh.... umm.... it could be a subacute infection, or this or that or... cancer. I hungup and sat down in our spare bedroom on the other side of the house in fear I would wake Evan up and cried and cried and cried. This is the 2nd time since Christmas that my lymph nodes and other reasons have pointed Dr.'s to check for cancer. I was scared. I want to be okay, I have to be okay. But... who has cancer that didn't want to be okay? I was a mess that day. It was the latest I've ever dropped Evan off at school as I didn't want to wake him and him question my tear streaked face. He had enough to deal with just hearing he was having a cath the day before. My appointment was that afternoon and my parents were at my Dad's heart dr. appointment so between calling Eric, talking for a long time on the phone with my brother and a friend meeting me at Kohl's for some therapy shopping, I made it to time for my appointment. God put an angel in my path at the CT Scan. Like I said, I was a mess. The tech also had MS and was so comforting during the scan. It was a Friday and the scan wouldn't be read until Monday and she calmed me to be okay with that. However, that night my Dr. did call and it had been read. She said there were lymph nodes in my lungs that were calcified and that they were setting me up with a lung specialist - first thing Mon. morning. Again... I want to know what they are checking for and she said that it could be histoplasmosis, sarcoidosis, or something else and that they could not rule out cancer at that point. I went to the lung specialist and looking at the xrays and CT Scan he said he did not see any signs that lead him to believe it was cancer or sarcoidosis and that it looked like a classic histoplasmosis case - which by the way will go away on its own. I am following up in 6 months to make sure that things have stayed the same and no new places or the ones that are there haven't grown. I was relieved that he felt so confident but... my anxious self is still dealing with letting it go and not worrying. I have a problem... I admit that. I'm filled with anxiety and I'm constantly praying - talking myself down from a breakdown - giving it to God over and over again. For some reason I keep taking it back on myself but, again it is a constant battle raging within me. My MS is acting up - I'm not sleeping, I'm tired, my muscles ache. I'm sure it's stress.
So... that is the reason for my abscense. Oh... and work. The last year has been very rough on our group - unlike ever before. We thought things had calmed down but of all weeks, this week things are starting up again. Big changes. I fear more to come than we already know. That's just my anxious self talking again though. (I hate that I'm usually right!)

I'll leave you with a picture of Evan in our creek. We had a tremendous amount of rain last weekend and Evan (once the creek had gone down the next day) begged to put his boots on and fish for bull sharks!


Oh and another of his eyelashes when he fell asleep leaning against me. Aren't they beautiful?


Evan & Munc celebrating Munc's birthday.